Tales From the 'burbs, Part I
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Mrs. Johanson's house. Mrs. Johanson, as fat as always, is sitting on the couch in the livingroom)

Mrs. Johanson: <Wheeze> Hi there, boys and girls, you look delicious tonight. And I don't just say that because I want to eat you. <Wheeze> You have no idea how expensive it is to stay as fat as I am. My cheapest meal was when I ate my family. Something it seems Kevin has found out. <Wheeze> Even if he doesn't do it to save money. Say hi to...


(Late at night. Kevin and Mack are driving around in Mack's car and listening to Z99 on the radio)

Kevin: So now even the coach wants me to try and study. What's with those people?

Mack: Look. It's getting harder and harder to explain how you can be on the team when you're supposedly required to maintain a C average. And now rumor has it that the superintendent might come by for an inspection. So Ms. Li and the coach worry if he'll find out about their little grading scheme. If you don't smarten up soon they might kick you off the team.

Kevin: Wait a minute... Are you saying I'm stupid?

Mack: Kevin. Everyone is saying that you're stupid.

Kevin: Oh... Even Brittany?

(The voice of Spatula Man is heard over the radio)

Spatula Man: And now for some advice for you young people who feel mental in the evening. Feel free to call us and ask for some mental advice to your problems. Do we have a first caller?

Brittany: Hi Spatula. I want to ask about my boyfriend.

Kevin: Hey, that's me.

Brittany: I talked to this girl at school. She's not my friend because she's a total brain.

Spatula Man: Something you run no risk of ever getting called I bet.

Brittany: Thanks. I asked her if it's true her sister's an alcoholic. But instead of answering me, she got mad and told me that at least she doesn't sleep with monkeys. So then I asked her what that's supposed to mean. She told me that my boyfriend is really the result of a government experiment of crossing a human with a monkey. And that's why he's so dumb. Is that true?

Spatula Man: (pause) You know, I can't really talk about that kind of thing over the radio. National Security you know. But how about you come down to the radio-station and we can discuss it over dinner.

Brittany: Um... Okay.

Kevin: Oh, man. Even Brittany thinks I'm stupid. Mack, stop the car.

Mack: Are you sure?

Kevin: Of course I'm sure. Stop the car.

(Mack stops the car. Kevin gets out. Mack drives away. Kevin looks around and discovers that he's in the middle of nowhere)

Kevin: Hey. This isn't where I live. Oh, man.

(Kevin sees the lights from a circus in the distance. He starts walking towards it)

(The tent of the fortune teller. Andrea is sitting behind a table sorting trough a deck of Tarot cards. Kevin comes in)

Kevin: Hi, Andrea. Do you have a phone I can borrow?

Andrea: Hi, Kevin. And no, I don't. People expect my tent to have an old feeling to it.

Kevin: Huh?

Andrea: It's a question of image.

Kevin: You mean like when I wear my shoulder-pads even when I'm not playing football?

Andrea: Did I try and reason with you? I'm sorry. Anyhow. For just 10 bucks I can read you your fortune.

Kevin: No thanks. I already know my future. I become a famous football player and make millions.

Andrea: That's funny. (lays some cards down) It says here, you'll end up selling shoes to fat women at the mall. That you get married to a redheaded wife who can't cook, and that you get two kids who despise you.

Kevin: Oh, man!

Andrea: But I could be wrong. I tell all football players that story. And it's a lot more likely to come true than for them to make millions mind you.

Kevin: Andrea... You're, like, a witch, right? And you dance naked in the woods, and have sex with the devil. Right?

Andrea: I prefer you use the term "wiccan". And his name is Mr. Lucifer.

Kevin: Can you do some magic to make me smarter? Otherwise I might get thrown of the team.

Andrea: What a tragedy. Hmmm. I do know a spell that can do that. But you'll need to eat human brain for it to work.

Kevin: Yuck, gross!! (pause) How smart can I get?

Andrea: As smart as the person who's brain you eat. You'll also gain all the knowledge this person has. So my advice is to stick to male brains unless you want to find yourself shaving your legs one morning.

Kevin: Gross! Um... Why would you help me?

Andrea: Because I hate you for being a jock, and I'm thinking you'll get caught and sent to death row. Now stand still. This will only take a minute.

(Andrea starts drawing a pentagram on the ground where Kevin is standing)

(Brittany's room. Kevin and Brittany are laying in each others arms on the bed)

Brittany: Oh, Kevie.

Kevin: Babe.

Brian: (off camera) Oh moron.

(Kevin and Brittany look towards the doorway where Brian is standing)

Brittany: Brian! I told you not to spy on me.

Brian: You suck. (he runs off)

Kevin: Let me go talk to him. (leaves)

(Brian's room. Brian is sitting on the floor sorting his Pokemon cards. Kevin comes in)

Kevin: Hi, Brian. Have you got something blunt and heavy I can borrow?

Brian: I've got a baseball bat.

Kevin: That'll do.

(Brittany's room. Brittany is sitting on the bed. Kevin comes back. He's got blood on his shirt and around his mouth)

Brittany: Eeeew! What happened with you?

Kevin: I bit my lip, babe. Hey. Did you know that our country originally had only 13 states?

Brittany: Well, yeah. We learned that years ago.

Kevin: I just remembered. (kisses Brittany) By the way. What's your favorite Pokemon?

Brittany: What?

(The class of Mr. DeMartino)

Kevin: ... the disappearance of the native population was primarily the result of their lack of resistance to diseases such as smallpox, and not because John Wayne shot them.

Brittany: (to Jodie) Isn't he smart?

Jodie: (to Brittany) Compared to how he usually acts, I'd have to say yes. Even if the stuff he's letting out is something the rest of us learned, like, six years ago.

Brittany: (to Jodie) You mean he's evolving?

Jodie: (beat) Have you been talking with Daria again?

Kevin: ... so in conclusion our typical image of the natives that we see in westerns has got little in common with those the people on the Mayflower encountered.

Mr. DeMartino: Why, KEVIN. That's very good. Even considering I ASKED you about the Louisiana LAND purchase. (smirk) I'm curious to see if you'll do just as well on the TEST we have tomorrow. Because I heard that THIS time the coach WON'T be taking care of it. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Kevin: Oh, man. (to Mack) Hey, Mack-Daddy. Can you help me study for the test this afternoon?

Mack: Don't call me that. And can I help you do what?

Kevin: Study.

Mack: (sigh) Okay. Although I can't see how you can hope to read it all up on just one afternoon.

Kevin: (smiles) Oh, I think you'll be surprised at how much I can learn.

(Mack's room. Mack is lying on the floor with his skull cracked open. Kevin is sitting next to him and is eating his brain)

Kevin: Yum, yum. So that's why the US entered the first world war. (takes another bite) And that's what manifest destiny means. You know Mack, I don't think I'll have any problems on that test tomorrow. (takes another bite) You hated me for calling you Mack-Daddy? Why didn't you just say so? (takes another bite) Oh you did. (takes another bite) You cheated on Jodie with that cheerleader from Oakwood? Why, Mack. I'd never have though it of you.

(At Mack's funeral. The casket is closed. The guests are listening to the priest. Kevin is sitting next to Jodie)

Jodie: (wipes her eyes) I still can't believe he's dead. And to think Brittany killed him.

Kevin: I know how you feel. I couldn't believe it either. Not until they found the bloody hammer used to crush his head in her locker.

Jodie: And they found the body of her little brother Brian in their freezer. Poor Brittany. I wish I could believe she was framed somehow.

Kevin: I know how you feel. (voiceover) And Andrea thought I'd get caught.

Jodie: Maybe it was better for Mack this way. It saved him a lot of pain.

Kevin: What do you mean?

Jodie: I'm not supposed to tell you this. But Mack had been seeing a doctor because of fatigue.

Kevin: Yeah. I know. (pause) Um, because he told me.

Jodie: They got the results back a couple of days after Mack got killed. It turns out he had AIDS.

Kevin: Mack!?

Jodie: He must have cheated on me because I just got word I'm clean. I wonder how Brittany will feel about this. Because the police thinks that she must have been infected eating his brain.

(Kevin screams)

(Mrs. Johanson's house)

Mrs. Johanson: <Wheeze> I don't know about you, but I'll say jock-boy here got what he deserved. Only eating the brain and throwing the rest away, a waste of good meat. <Wheeze> Well I guess Mack was "tainted meat", but he could at least have shared Brian's body with me. Kids are the best snack. <Wheeze> And I should know. How do you think I got to be so fat.