I’ll sing of a maid who lacked for friends,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

I’ll sing of a maid who lacked for friends,

Whose family couldn’t make amends,

But they all came to such terrible ends...

She was suspected of doing them in, them in,

Suspected of doing them in.

Her mother’s heart gave out one night,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

Her mother heart gave out one night

From a briefcase that was filled outright

With legal cases she had to fight...

And neglected her family to win, to win,

Neglected her family to win.

Her father died of a failed career,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

Her father died of a failed career,

And alcohol was his source of cheer,

He died of brandy, scotch, and beer...

And the occasional pitcher of gin, of gin,

The occasional pitcher of gin.

Her sister needed good skin tone,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

Her sister needed good skin tone,

From makeup that was hers alone,

A poison that went right down to her bones...

Through the tiniest pores of her skin, her skin,

The tiniest pores of her skin.

Her boyfriend could only help so far,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

Her boyfriend could only help so far,

‘Cause the bumper of his rusty car

Was poorly built and under par...

It was nothing but plastic and tin, and tin,

It was nothing but plastic and tin.

And when at last the police came by,

(Sing rickety-tickety-tin,)

And when at last the police came by,

She didn’t freak and she didn’t lie,

She said if she wanted her family to die...

She wouldn’t know where to begin, begin,

She wouldn’t know where to begin.

(With apologies to Tom Lehrer.)

This parody copyright © 2001 by Robert Nowall