Behind the Glasses

Behind the Glasses, the Mary Sue Report
By Thomas

(The auditorium of Lawndale High. Just about everyone who ever made an appearance on "Daria" are present. Tom and Quinn are standing at the microphone)

Quinn: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the latest installment of "Behind the Glasses". The place where we go behind the scenes of the "Daria" fandom.

Tom: Tonight we take a look at a character who has made numerous appearances in "Daria" fanfic. Over time she has appeared as both man and woman.

Quinn: Fashionable and ugly.

Tom: Rich and poor.

Quinn: Young and old.

Tom: We speak of course of Mary Sue.

(The audience cheer)

Tom: As you may have heard Mary Sue made her first appearance in a "Star Trek" fanfic.

Quinn: Where she saved the ship.

Tom: Rescued Spock, Kirk and McCoy.

Quinn: And had sex with all three of them. She was the perfect human being.

Tom: Or alien. Since then she's made it a habit to turn up again and again. So me and Quinn decided to take a closer look at her, if for no other reason than to see these perfect beings with our own eyes.

Quinn: Our first Mary Sue is David MacAllister from "Triumph of the Retart".

(The audience cheer but David doesn't show up)

Quinn: (to Tom) What's he doing? I told him to wait behind the stage.

Tom: (To Quinn, beat) Did you also tell him to come when called for?

Quinn: (to Tom) Why would I do that? He's not a retart... Damn. (pause) Joey, Jeffy and Jamie?

(Cut to where the 3 J's are sitting)

Jeffy: Here Quinn.

Joey: What can we do for you Quinn?

Jamie: Quinn!? You got my name right

Quinn: Duh. Of course I got your name right. The shows over. Guys can you go find David for me? He's behind the stage somewhere.

Jeffy: Sure thing Quinn.

(The 3 J's get up and walk behind the stage)

(Off camera) Jeffy: Hey, you!

(Off camera) Joey: Are you deaf, retart?

(Off camera) David: I don't like being called a 'retart,'.

(Off camera) Jeffy: We'll call you anything we want to!, you fuckin' retart!

(Tom and Quinn stare at each other)

(Off camera) David: Please, I don't want to get into trouble on my first day!

(Off camera) Jamie: Listen up, you are supposed to get on the stage! You're not allowed to stand here all day. Go to where you belong, retart!

(Off camera) David: But I have a math class to go to now!

Tom: (to Quinn) Math class?

Quinn: (to Tom) You got me.

(Off camera) Joey: Then we'll have to teach you the hard way!

(Off camera) David: HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! AAAAAAAAAAAA!

(David's screams become weaker and weaker until finally they stop)

Quinn: (fake smile) It seems David won't be joining us here today.

Tom: So instead we move onto our next character. Lynn Cullen from "The Look-Alike Series".

(The audience remains silent this time. Daria pushes a hospital bed onto the stage. In it lies Lynn Cullen (1). Apparently fast asleep)

Quinn (2): Oh-no.

Tom: (to Quinn) Lets hear her explanation first. We can kill her afterwards (3).

Quinn: (to Tom) Unless the audience kills us first.

Tom: Hi Daria (4). I see you've decided to accompany our next guest.

Daria: Yeah. But only because I wanted to prove once and for all that I'm not Lynn (5).

Quinn: Okay. What have you done to her?

Daria: Nothing. The doctors at the hospital (6) said I could either have her strapped to the bed or drugged out of her mind. And since she can't talk while she's unconcious, it was a rather simple choice.

Tom: And you didn't consider the fact that we were planning to do an interview with her?

Daria: (shrugs) Its not me they'll be throwing stuff at. Know whatahmean, nudge nudge.

(A tomato hits Quinn in the face)

Quinn: Aaaaaah! (7)

Daria: See.

Quinn: Dammit! Why does it always have to be tomatoes?

Daria: Thats not always. There's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Audience: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...

Daria: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Audience: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Tom: You and Lynn go back awhile don't you. In fact "The Look-Alike Series" is the longest running fanfic series of them all. And one of the questions we had planned to ask Lynn was, will there be a season 5?

Daria: I haven't heard anything so far. But seeing how my part in TLAS has gotten smaller and smaller with each new episode, its quite possible Lynn will be starring without me. (8)

Quinn: (evil smile) Now we are at the subject, we have some TLAS bloopers that I, I mean we, want you to see. They're from where you first meet Lynn.

Daria: You wouldn't.

Quinn: Oh yeah.

(A film clip is shown on the screen behind the stage. Cut to the screen)

(Ms Li's office. Daria is shoved into the office and looks back at the door.)

Daria: (grumbles) To hell with you too, Lane.

Ms Li's secretary: Ms Li will see you now.

(Daria walks into Ms Li's inner sanctum. There she is confronted with Lynn, who is seated.)

Li: Please take a seat, Ms Morgendorffer.

(She does. The two sit side by side in front of Ms Li's desk, looking sidelong at each other with identical expressions of deadpan assessment and masked curiosity. In this shot, the similarities are unmistakable.)

Daria: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Back to the stage. The audience laughs. Quinn looks relieved)

Daria: First of all I wasn't prepared. I hadn't met Lynn before and all they told me was that she looked like me, not that she was my identical twin.

Tom: So you thought she was a spawn of satan or something?

Daria: Or something.

Quinn: A topic that has been the subject of much debate indeed. But that wasn't the first time they had problems shooting that scene.

Daria: I'm warning you.

(Another film clip is shown on the screen. Cut to the screen)

(Ms Li's office. Daria is shoved into the office and looks back at the door.)

Daria: (grumbles) To hell with you too, Lane.

Ms Li's secretary: Ms Li will see you now.

(Daria walks into Ms Li's inner sanctum. There she is confronted with Lynn, who is seated.)

Li: Please take a seat, Ms Morgendorffer.

Daria: (pinches her left arm) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Back to the stage)

Tom: What was that about?

Daria: (blushes) I suddenly figured it might all be a bad dream.

Quinn: (smirk) You're such a pain wimp Daria.

(The audience laughs)

Daria: (narrows her eyes) I'll be back you know.

(Daria pushes the bed of the stage)

Tom: But we're not finished.

Quinn: Let her go. We'll just move on to our next guest. Ben Breeck from "The New Teacher Series".

(Ben walks onto the stage. The audience cheer)

Tom: (to Quinn) So far so good

(Quinn smiles nervously)

Ben: Hi there. Are you ready for some history lessons?

(The audience goes silent immediately)

Tom: (laughs nervously) He's kidding. Ben isn't going to give any history lessons.

Ben: Why not?

Quinn: Because you don't want to get us killed, and we rather hear about your series. Like, you could have been anything you wanted to be, so why a history teacher?

Tom: The previous Mary Sue's used the opportunity to have sex with Daria and Trent.

Ben: (smiles) Look, unlike the others I still wanted the story to be about Daria rather than me, so I chose a role where I wouldn't use up all the spotlight. Daria is after all the main character. And women have historically been denied the spotlight, take Athens. I think that it is very important to realize that not only were women excluded from the vote in Athens, but also paupers and those not born in Athens, even if they bore arms for that city. (Beat) With that out of the way, lets get on to Alexander The Great...

(Cut to where Jane is sitting. She looks bored. She takes a potato and throws it at Ben. It hits him in the face)

Ben: Aaaaah! Who threw that?

(Off camera) Jane: Tell us about the gospels.

Tom: Uh oh.

Ben: The gospels? Why not. Reading the Gospels, I find them to be most absurd from any standpoint, but so as not get in too much hot water with the religious right in this town, I'll stick with their historicity. Josephus Flavius, who chronicled every one of Herod's excesses, and never rounded off numbers, never mentions any slaughter of babies anywhere near Bethlehem...

(A rain of potatoes hits Ben. He drops unconscious to the floor)

Quinn: Yes!

Tom: Quinn, this is our third interview gone sour. I fail to see what's so amusing.

Quinn: Don't you see. We're safe, they used all their vegetables on Ben...

(An orange hits Quinn in the stomach)

Quinn: Argh!

Tom: (beat) Daria.

(Off camera) Daria: What?

Tom: What is it with you people? Its one thing you don't like the Mary Sue's. But its not fair to me and Quinn if you won't even let us try and put on a show.

(Cut to where Kevin is sitting)

Kevin: Can I say something?

Quinn: (beat) Whatever.

Kevin: The reason we all came here tonight was that you two promised to show us Mary Sue's, and as we all know a Mary Sue is an idealized version of the author. A perfect human being in other words. But the ones you've show us so far doesn't even come close to that description, and one of them is even a teacher.

(The rest of the audience stare at Kevin with open mouths)

Kevin: What? Now that the show is over I don't have to pretend to be stupid anymore.

Quinn: But we didn't write those stories. Its not our fault the Mary Sue's look like this in real life.

Kevin: Maybe not. But you're the ones who will get to play Tommy Sherman with the goal posts if you don't show us what we came here for.

(Cut to the stage. Quinn swallows)

Tom: Luckily we can do that. Our next guest should live up to your expectations. (nods at Quinn)

Quinn: (smiles) He's handsome.

Tom: Intelligent.

Quinn: He sorted out the Morgendorffer's problems.

Tom: A Hercules labor indeed.

Quinn: He's got lots of money.

Tom: Knows martial arts.

Quinn: He saved Jane's life.

Tom: And stole her heart away.

Quinn: Welcome to...

Tom: Darren Appleton from "Revelations".

(Darren walk onto the stage. There is lots of cheering from the audience)

Darren: Don't look to hard at me. You might go blind (smiles revealing a perfect colgate smile)

Quinn: Wow. He really is perfect.

Darren: Not just that. Perfect is my middle name.

(The audience laughs)

Tom: Darren, I have to ask you this. Seeing how perfect you are, is there anything you can't do?

Darren: (laughs) Well I can't fly. But right now I'm in negotiations with the UN to bring peace to the Middle East.

Quinn: (awestruck) Wow.

(Daria walks on stage)

Daria: Stop it! What's wrong with you? Am I the only one who can see this guy is a fraud?

Quinn: A fraud? How can you call Darren a fraud? He's perfect.

Tom: Not to mention he did save Jane's life.

(Off camera) Jane: Thats right. I had fallen into a sinkhole and he pulled me out.

Daria: But how you end up in that sinkhole in the first place? Look at the screen.

(A film clip is shown on the screen. Cut to the screen)

(At the unstable landfill. Darren and Jane are standing at the sinkhole)

Darren: Will you get in already. We haven't got all day.

Jane: Isn't there another way to do this? We could just meet and still fall in love.

Darren: Don't tell me you're worried I won't pull you out in time. You've been killed in fanfic before you know.

Jane: (hesitating) Ummm...

Darren: So you want it the hard way do you.

(Darren pushes Jane into the sinkhole)

(Back to the auditorium. The audience look confused)

Darren: (shrugs) I had to get her in somehow.

Daria: You've all let Darren's perfection blind you. To the point where you have forgotten how it really was to work with him.

Quinn: Don't say that! Darren was really nice to me. Usually fanfic authors new characters treat me like dirt.

Daria: No he wasn't. Or have you forgotten how your first meeting with him really happened.

(Cut to the screen)

(The Mall. Darren, Daria and Quinn are standing in the central square)

Darren: (Looks at Daria, eyebrow cocked:) Daria, as in Daria Morgendorffer?

Daria: (Glances at Darren, a little surprised:) Um, yeah, I'm Quinn's si--

Quinn: (Panics, cuts her off:) --Cousin! She's my cousin! (Daria frowns at Quinn)

Darren: (Looks at Quinn strangely for a second, smiles at Daria:) I talked to you last night over the phone, Daria. You see--

Quinn: (Eyes wide open:) --You don't want to get her gift--Daria's birthday just passed! You're getting my gift, okay?

Darren: (Having enough:) Look--I'm sorry, Quinn, but I don't know what you're talking about! I wasn't here to talk to your parents about getting you a "gift" from them! I came here to talk to your parents about a baby they thought they had lost almost twenty years ago!

Daria: (Narrows her eyes:) Hold it. What do you mean thought they had lost? Our mom and dad (Quinn frantically nods her head "no" to Darren:) told us that we almost had a brother who was born, but died stillborn. What would you know about that?

Darren: (Dramatic pause:) Because I'm that brother, Daria, and I'm alive.

(Daria and Quinn looked at Darren wide-eyed and speechless.)

Darren: Quinn, this is where you're supposed to faint.

Quinn: But the floor looks dirty. Can't I just look stunned like Daria?

Darren: No, you have to faint. But don't worry. I can help you faint.

(Darren hits Quinn in the face. Quinn drops to the floor)

Darren: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

(Back to the stage. The audience boos at Darren)

Darren: Make them stop! They can't do this to me. I'm perfect.

(cut to where Trent and Brittany are sitting)

Trent: He also gave our band 8,000 bucks. But the money was counterfeit.

Brittany: And he used his ability to turn invisible to sneak into my bedroom at night.

(The 3 J's come back)

Joey: Hi Quinn. We've beaten David every way we know. But he still refuses to come on stage.

Jeffy: Its hard to be a bully.

Jamie: Hey! Thats Darren from "Revelations". Is he bothering you Quinn?

Darren: Stay back. Remember what happened at Pizza King.

Joey: I remember. We beat you up. But afterwards you told everyone that you had beaten us up.

Daria: Its over Darren. You perfect power is broken. Grab him!

(Joey and Jeffy grab hold of Darren's arms)

Daria: Now lets see who you really are.

(Daria grabs a chunk of Darren's hair and pulls a face mask off. Revealing an evil looking middle aged man)

Quinn: But thats William Appleton! Darren's uncle.

Tom: But why?

(Gerald Woo walks onto the stage)

Woo: I can answer that. You see Darren died in the plane crash along with his parents, his real parents. William took control of the company but only to discover that Appleton industries is heavily in debt and practically bankrupt. He disguised himself as Darren, and made up the whole story, which he was then planning to sell to the tabloids making him a fortune.

William: And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids.

(Later that evening. Tom and Quinn are sitting on the stage off the now empty auditorium)

Quinn: I feel... I don't know.

Tom: Disappointed?

Quinn: Yeah. I mean the authors obviously love their Mary Sue's. So how come the rest of us don't?

Tom: I dunno. Maybe Mary Sue simply doesn't belong in fanfic.

(A man in his mid 30's walk over to them)

Moore: Hi, I'm Doctor Moore from "Holding On". I was supposed to be here tonight. I'm afraid the directions Quinn gave me weren't accurate to say the least. I almost ended up in Oakwood.

Tom: Dr. Moore? But Quinn told me you couldn't be here... Quinn?

Quinn: Alright so I didn't want Dr. Moore to come here. But only because I get killed in that fic. I hate it when I get killed.

Moore: Much as I would love to help you overcome your perfectly normal fear of death, I don't work outside office hours. (sits next to them)

Tom: So you can't shed any light on what makes people write Mary Sue's fics then?

Moore: Is it really that important why people write them? Surely the most important thing is the quality of the fic.

Quinn: Yeah, but the people we had here tonight. They were all... Eeeew.

Tom: Not to mention the way they stole the spotlight.

Moore: The problem typically is that authors are poor judges of how interesting their Mary Sue is to other people. They often commit two mistakes. The first is the make Mary Sue the main, rather than a supporting character. Resulting in a "fanfic" thats not about Daria.

Tom: So they write something that might as well have been a "Star Trek" or a "Buffy" fic.

Moore: Exactly. The second mistake is to introduce a character that Daria immediately warms up to. When on the show Daria's typical response to people she meet is to cut them down with a sarcastic remark.

Quinn: Tell me about it.

Moore: As a result Mary Sue fic to often follow a pattern where Mary Sue gets introduced in the morning, becomes Daria's best friend at noon, and has sex with Trent in the evening.

Tom: In other words. Yuck.

Moore: But as long as the author is careful. There is no reason why it shouldn't be possible to write a good Mary Sue fic.

Tom: Like the one you're in? "Holding On" is a favorite of mine.

Moore: Flattery accepted.

Quinn: Hey! Didn't you hear me say I got killed in that fic?

Moore: A different way to make use of Mary Sue is to disguise her as a regular character and hope nobody notices. But that really falls under the subject of good vs. bad characterization.

Quinn: What do you mean?

Tom: I can show you.

(Tom hugs Quinn and kisses her)

Quinn: Ummmm. Young Thomas.

THE END

(1) Lynn made her first appearance in "A Meeting of Brains".

(2) Quinn made her first appearance in "Esteemers".

(3) Tom is evil.

(4) Daria made her first appearance in "Babes R Us". A B&B episode.

(5) A reference to a certain webpage.

(6) The psych ward.

(7) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

(8) Wishful thinking.