Mike Yamiolkoski’s

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

In “Write Where It Hurts” we learned where the Morgendorffers (and Jamie White) ended up in ten or so years. Daria’s a columnist married to some guy named Marcello, Quinn married Jamie and had three kids, Helen and Jake live on in their benignly clueless way. But what of the rest of the citizens of Lawndale? Here is their story:

JANE LANE spent five years hopping around the world, in the finest Lane tradition, trying to find inspiration before realizing that she did her best work in Lawndale. She lives in the family home, having hollowed it out completely from basement to roof and converted the entire space except the kitchen into her studio. Her work sells for modest sums, and she lived comfortably until she realized that the effect of compound interest on 352 different bank accounts around the world had made her a millionaire, whereupon she lived… exactly the same way as before. She never married.

CHARLES “UPCHUCK” RUTTHEIMER III created www.grrfiesty.com, one of the most popular pornographic websites on the net. By the age of 35, he had logged 457 sexual encounters in his personal journal, each with a different woman. He was quoted as saying, “they were all worth every penny.” Currently, he lives in West Hollywood with three young, attractive models who each get paid $2,000 per week to pretend they like him.

SANDI GRIFFIN went to modeling school, where she played psychological twister with just about everyone else on campus, students and faculty alike. She finally dropped out and started her own modeling agency with money inherited from her parents (after an unfortunate incident at a marriage counseling retreat) and quickly ran the business into the ground. She now works as a hairdresser and spends her days surrounded by gay men with bad fashion sense.

JOEY and JEFFY, having served jointly as Best Men in Quinn and Jamie’s wedding, left town shortly after the ceremony and road-tripped across the country in a convertible T-bird. They parted ways in Tucson, Arizona, after a particularly vehement argument about which of them Quinn liked better. Coincidentally, they each returned to Lawndale four years later on exactly the same day, having found and married redheaded girls named Quinn.

KEVIN THOMPSON married Brittany shortly after high school. They divorced a few days later, married again the week after that, hung together for a month, separated, resumed their relationship, then divorced the following year and married again that summer. After their next divorce, Kevin joined an XFL revival league and sat on the bench for two months before the league disbanded. He now appears in beer and dog food commercials.

BRITTANY TAYLOR joined “Up With People” shortly after Kevin went to the XFL. After touring with them for six months, she was encouraged to leave the organization due to her excessive perkiness. She then became a flight attendant and made her way back to Lawndale via Los Angeles, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Springfield, Los Angeles, Denver, New York (with a layover in Chicago), Miami, Houston, Denver, New York, and Boston. She and Kevin are planning to give it another shot.

TIFFANY BLUM-DECKER went to modeling school with Sandi and graduated at the top of her class. Unfortunately, she signed on with Sandi’s Modeling Agency and her career went swiftly into the toilet. She is now a waitress at Hooters’ Restaurant in Ft. Lauderdale.

STACY ROWE went to modeling school with Sandi and Tiffany, but dropped out due to medical reasons. While recuperating, she found an interest in medicine and applied to med school. Quickly realizing that she was in way over her head, she decided to marry a doctor instead of becoming one. Her husband has a plastic surgery clinic up the street from Sandi’s nail salon, where Stacy frequently has her nails done, always reminding Sandi to be careful not to damage her large, expensive diamond ring that her rich husband gave her.

ANTHONY DIMARTINO got over his nervous breakdown and joined the Peace Corps. After two years in Borneo, he returned to Lawndale and began teaching second grade. He motivates his young students by bringing Kevin Thompson into the classroom as a guest speaker from time to time.

ANDREA disappeared shortly after graduation and was never heard from again.

MICHAEL JORDAN MACKENZIE got a football scholarship to Princeton University, where he studied mathematics and business. He was the runner-up for the Heisman Trophy in his senior year and was signed by the Atlanta Falcons upon graduating. He elected to retire early after four memorable seasons, and now coaches football for children, who call him “Mack Daddy”. He has legally changed his name back to Michael James.

TED DEWITT-CLINTON left Lawndale with a knapsack on his back one morning, returning thirteen years later after having circled the globe six times and visited every country on Earth. His story is due to be published under the title “Around the World in Search of Gum”.

JODIE LANDON chose to go to school at Berkely, much to the chagrin of her parents. She double-majored in Botany and English Literature, and moved to Panama after graduation to live in a tent on the beach. While there, she discovered a small, nearly extinct plant that excreted a remarkable amount of oil, which she began cultivating at a profit. At the age of 30, she made her second billion, bought her father’s company and encouraged him into an early retirement with a generous pension. She derives considerable satisfaction watching her father sit around all the time with nothing to do.

TRENT LANE tried for two years to get it together with Mystik Spiral, eventually cutting a CD which sold six copies in its first year alone. When the Tank finally exploded on the way to a gig in Fremont, the band hung up the charred remains of their instruments and finally called it quits. Trent continued to bum around the house until Jane came home and started remodeling, disturbing his sleep. Patching together what was left of the Spiral’s sound equipment, Trent hit the road as a traveling DJ, finally returning to Lawndale to get mental in the morning with the Spatula Man on Z-93 (“Bing” having died tragically at the hands of an over-enthusiastic fan). He goes through an alarm clock per week.

JANET BARCH and TIMOTHY O’NEILL became Ms. and Mr. Barch in a brief civil ceremony that broke from tradition only insofar as there was no “best man” which Janet insisted was a contradiction in terms. They continued teaching at Lawndale, and had six boys before Janet finally gave up on ever having a daughter. Within a year of their marriage, Timothy had lost almost all his hair and developed a habit of chewing on his nails. He is the only teacher in the state ever to have taken his own self-esteem course as a student.

JESSE MORENO hitchhiked to Alaska shortly following the breakup of Mystik Spiral. He finally settled in Nome, married an Eskimo woman named Nellie, and had twelve children. He makes his living by hunting caribou and playing his guitar at local clubs.

PRINCIPAL ANGELA LI remained at Laaaawndale High for the next ten years, until she left the school too late one night and was attacked by her own guard dogs. Upon her recovery, she left Lawndale, moved to Mud Lake, Idaho and became a postal clerk.

BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD watched TV for the rest of their lives. They finally forgot to eat for three weeks and died. No one noticed for another month.