The Road to Sarcasm
By Thomas

Authors note: This story takes place two months after Daria moved to Lawndale.

(Jane is standing outside the Morgendorffers house. She rings the bell. Daria answers. She's carrying a book under her arm)

Jane: Hi. Ready to send some pizza to a better place?

Daria: Not now. I'm in the middle of something. (pulls Jane into the house)

(Daria sneaks over to the kitchen. Jane follows her)

(Off camera) Jake: Thats strange. The coffee tastes differently than it did yesterday.

(Off camera) Helen: Please Jake. You're not saying that someone replaced the coffee. (pause) Say. Was our teapot always green? Didn't it use to be blue?

(Daria snickers)

Jane: Let me see that. (takes Daria's book)

Daria: Hey!

Jane: "Experiments in Psychology Using Everyday Household Objects and Members of Your Family". You are so going to hell.

Daria: Will my parents be there?

Jane: You know, I bet that some day you'll be feeling really sorry for all the grief you've caused them.

Daria: Yeah right. Like that is ever going to happen.

(Quinn's room. Quinn is laying on her bed and staring at her poster of a boy babe)

Quinn: O Brad, Brad. Wherefore art thou Brad?

(Cut to the doorway where Daria and Jane are standing)

Daria: Because the name Greg had already been taken.

Quinn: Uuuuuuuh! (storms over and slams the door in Daria and Jane's faces)

(Cut to the hallway)

Jane: How do you do that?

Daria: Do what?

Jane: Be sarcastic like that. Your sister said something, and less than a second later you got a reply ready. How can you think that fast?

Daria: Um... Actually I don't think about it. I hear something and then I just say the first thing that comes to mind. A good sarcastic remark has to be spontaneous.

Jane: That simple? I could try doing that.

(The door to Quinn's room opens)

Quinn: Jane, you're an artist right?

Jane: Actually I like to think of myself as a color specialist.

Quinn: Great. I need your opinion on this. (pulls Jane into her room) Is this blouse Bordeaux or is it fake Bordeaux?

Daria: Of course, unlike you I have had many years of practice.

(Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are standing at the lockers)

Daria: So now that you've spend some time with my sister, can you tell me if the floor matches my boots?

Jane: I hate you.

Daria: So it didn't work the first time you tried. Thats no reason to give up.

(A group of cheerleaders walks by)

Brittany: So I thought, how come we only cheer for the sports teams? Why not have, like, a chess club chant?

Angie: But those guys are geeks.

Lisa: And they're not cute at all.

Brittany: Come on. It could sound like this. "We got a farmer, and a priest..."

Angie: Brittany, what're you talking about? There are no farmers and priests in chess.

Lisa: Yeah. They're called gardeners and popes.

Angie: Why don't you come back to us once you manage to get it right.

(The other cheerleaders walk away leaving Brittany behind. Brittany looks at Daria and smiles)

Daria: (to Jane) The bad news is that we're about to endure the presence of a cheerleader, the good news is that there is no easier target than her.

Brittany: (walks over to Daria) Daria, you're smart right?

Daria: Afraid so, but then I tell myself how we can't all be alike.

Jane: Did you know I once wanted to become a cheerleader... (buries her face in her hands)

Daria: Sure Brittany, I'll be glad to tell you what those pieces are called. Lets go.

Brittany: Whats wrong with Jane?

Daria: She's spontaneously making a fool of herself.

(Jane's room. Jane is watching TV)

TV: People turning their handicap into a strength. A ventriloquist with Turette Syndrome. Next on Sick, Sad World.

Jane: The doll is ugly... Dammit! I'll never get it right.

(Trent walks over to her)

Trent: Talking to the TV?

Jane: I'm practicing on becoming sarcastic. At least with the TV I won't make a fool of myself.

Trent: Maybe you should close the door then.

Jane: Now you're telling me.

Trent: Why do you want to become sarcastic?

Jane: Um... I don't know.

Trent: Shouldn't you have thought of that first?

Jane: (pause) You're right. I don't need to become sarcastic. Daria can be sarcastic for both of us. Hell, Daria can be sarcastic for ten people.

Trent: Wanna to come with me to the Zen? The manager finally agreed to let the Spiral perform.

Jane: That can't be, because that would mean you got a job. (pause, exited) I did it! I finally did it!!

Trent: You're riding in the back.

THE END