The Road to Parenting
By Thomas

Authors note: This story takes place four months after Daria moved to Lawndale.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. The fashion club is watching the local news)

TV: To prevent further attempts on the life of the rhinoceros in the Lawndale zoo, the zoo-keepers have decided to remove its horn.

Quinn: That reminds me, any news on how Brooke is doing?

Stacy: Her mom said she'll be back in school in a week or so. But I heard from a guy I dated, who has a friend, who has a brother, who works at the hospital, that she's so ugly now, she has to wear a white ski mask just like the guy in the horror movies.

Tiffany: White masks. Eeeeeew.

Stacy: Sorry.

Sandi: That was a cruel thing to say Quinn. Comparing poor Brooke to a rhinoceros.

Quinn: But Sandi, thats not what I meant. You know rhinoceros - rhino-plastics.

Sandi: Ooh. Well you can't expect me to understand what you're saying, once you start talking like a brain. Maybe that girl you're been living with is having a bad influence on you.

Quinn: Sandi, Just because I can put two words together doesn't make me a brain.

Sandi: What? So now you're calling me stupid?

Stacy: Hey guys, look, they're showing pictures of "Guys to Guys". They're so great.

Tiffany: "Guys to Guys" give me reason to live.

(Helen walks by. She's talking on her phone)

Helen: Yes Eric I know we have freedom of religion, but I'm not sure the judge will believe that collapsed scaffolding is an act from god. Next they'll be saying that woman's who's ankle got broken should sue god instead of them. This is crazy talk. Our reputation is at stake here.

TV: Local band "Guys to Guys" continue their rise to stardom. Going from being almost unknown to being the hottest name on the Lawndale music scene in just a few months. In fact its not long ago since they quit their jobs as singing animals at "Pizza Forest".

Helen: Oh look, thats the place we took you and Daria.

(Quinn looks horrified)

Sandi: (smirk) Whats that? You went to "Pizza Forest" with your parents. How old did you say you were Quinn?

Quinn: No, you got it all wrong. Its been many years since we went to that place.

Stacy: But Quinn, you moved here only four moths ago.

Sandi: Gee. Maybe its time we left. Quinn probably has to get ready for bed soon. Its almost six o'clock.

Tiffany: See you Quinn.

(Sandi and Tiffany get up and leave the house. Stacy stays behind)

Quinn: But guys, its not what you think.

Stacy: You don't have to explain Quinn. You know sometimes when I'm on a date, I find myself wishing I could be with my parents instead, you know, to be a little girl again. And if you can confess to having these feelings then so can...

Quinn: GET OUT!

Stacy: Eeep!! (flees out the front door)

Helen: Oh my.

Quinn: (beat) Mom I have only three things to say to you. You ruined my life and I hate you, and I need to borrow a credit card.

(Daria's room. Daria and Jane are sitting on the floor trying to construct a piece of machinery. Jake walks past the door)

Jake: Hi girls. What're you doing?

Daria: We're building a Perpetual Motion engine. Its a project for the science fare.

(Jake looks confused)

Jane: Its a machine that runs by itself. Providing an endless source of free energy.

Jake: Thats smart.

Daria: No actually its a violation of the 2nd law of thermodynamics.

Jake: Stupid congress. I bet the oil industry is behind that law.

Jane: (smirk) Your dad has a point. Maybe we should offer paternity tests instead. You know of any good candidates?

Daria: (beat) Dad, the machine we're building is a fake. One that will appear to be working, but only because of an electro-magnet hidden below the table. Our real project is to see what percentage of the spectators are ignorant enough to believe that Perpetual Motion is possible.

Jake: Oh.

Daria: By the way, I need some money to buy an electro-magnet.

Jake: I think I got an ordinary magnet. Can you use that instead?

(Daria buries her face in her hands)

Jane: Um... Maybe it would be better if you left. She still hasn't gotten over working with Kevin on her last science project.

(Helen and Jake's bedroom. Helen is on the phone. Jake is laying next to her)

Helen: God thing that lap-dancing cat case is finally over. I sure won't miss those animal rights activists. What? Our new client think he's a robot? (laughs) Good one Eric. (beat) Oh. You're serious. See you tomorrow then. (hangs up)

Jake: Hon. Do you ever wonder if maybe the kids don't respect us anymore? That we could die and they wouldn't even care.

Helen: Don't talk like that. I'm sure the girls love both of us deeply. Even when they say otherwise.

Jake: So you don't think we should try and spend more time with them? Like, tomorrow is Saturday. We could take the day off to spend with the girls.

Helen: A whole day? I don't know. Can't we just watch a movie with them in the evening?

Jake: Good idea. But Daria don't get to pick. Last time we ended up watching "Evil Dead".

Helen: And Quinn can't buy snacks. Remember those salt, fat and taste free chips?

(Helen and Jake giggles and turns the light off)

(Jake's dream. A casket is standing on the floor of the Morgendorffer livingroom. Daria and Quinn are standing beside it)

Daria: So we finally got rid of dad.

Quinn: About time. (kicks the casket)

Daria: I suggest we have him cremated, and then we flush him down the toilet.

Quinn: Good idea.

(The casket starts spinning)

Quinn: Oh look. Dad is spinning in his grave, and he hasn't even got one yet.

Daria: Its called Perpetual Motion.

(Helen's dream. The FC is watching TV. Helen walks over to them with a bowl of popcorn. She has been turned into a robot)

Quinn: Thanks mom. I also need the platinum.

(Helen hands her platinum card to Quinn)

Quinn: Now turn around.

(Helen turns revealing an ATM machine in her back)

Stacy: Wow Quinn, your mom is the best.

Sandi: Agreed. She's even better than my mom.

Quinn: And the best part is her mute button. Now she can't embarrass me anymore.

(Helen and Jake awakens bathed in sweat)

(Next morning. The SUV. Its still dark. Helen is driving. Jake is riding shotgun. Daria and Quinn are sleeping on the back seat. They're both wearing pajamas)

(The car hits a bump. Daria and Quinn wakes up)

Jake: Morning girls. I hope you don't mind us "kidnaping" you like this. But we didn't want to wake you.

Helen: We're going to spend the whole day together.

Daria & Quinn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

THE END