The Road to Harmony
By Thomas

Authors note: This story takes place five months after Daria moved to Highland.

(Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are standing at Jane's locker. Jane hands Daria a Christmas present from her locker)

Daria: You made it. I was beginning to worry if you had been influenced by my rant on the "perverted spirit of Christmas".

Jane: You know. Not all of us buy presents the first week of December. Waiting to the last minute is a time honored tradition.

Daria: As is warfare. Have your parents showed up this year?

Jane: Nope. They're still in Alaska. It looks like me and Trent will have to celebrate Christmas by ourself. Same as last year, and the year before that. How're you holding out?

Daria: Its okay I guess. The food is decent and you get presents. If it wasn't for Santa Claus showing up, Christmas could be the best time of year.

Jane: Santa Claus?

Daria: My dad. Every year he dresses as Santa Claus. I could live with it except he wants me and Quinn to sit on his lap.

Jane: You're not kidding are you?

Daria: Afraid not. My mom says that as long as he doesn't gamble or starts drinking we should put up with it.

Jane: That doesn't make sense.

Daria: And your point is?

(Quinn and Zachary walk by)

Quinn: But of course if you really want to impress me, you would get me something unique. Like, The Indoor Chipper from the golf shop.

Zack: What would you want with an... (pause) Wait a minute. You're trying to get me to buy you a Christmas present for your dad.

Quinn: What? Can't a girl...

Zack: Bye Quinn. (leaves)

Quinn: Uuuuh! (stomps on the floor)

Daria: Getting your dates to buy your Christmas presents. Thats low, even for you.

Quinn: You shouldn't complain. Its how I got Joey to buy your present.

Daria: You mean I might finally get that football I always wished for. What happened to the money mom and dad gave us to buy presents for?

Quinn: Gosh Daria. I needed something to wear at the New Year party. (pause) Look I need your advice and stuff. You see I sort off got no money, and I still haven't got any presents for mom and dad.

Daria: (beat) Return the dress you bought...

Quinn: Daria! I said advice. Not self-mutilation.

Daria: Return the dress and buy presents for mom and dad. Then after Christmas you return the presents mom and dad give you, and use the money to get the dress back. Got it?

Quinn: (smiles) Smart. Thanks Daria. (leaves)

Jane: Since when did Quinn start coming to you for advice?

Daria: Ever since Tommy Sherman died. One moment she hates me, the next I'm her personal adviser.

Jane: Who knows. Maybe you'll be friends someday.

Daria: Don't even joke about that. Wanna go get some pizza?

Jane: Sorry, but I got some... art that needs painting.

Daria: Again? I've hardly seen you these past couple of weeks.

Jane: You see me at school don't you. Bye. (leaves in a hurry)

(Quinn's room. Quinn is laying on her bed and crying. Daria walks by)

Daria: Let me guess. The new number of "Waif" came out saying that pink is pase.

(Quinn cries even harder. She points to a shopping bag on the floor. Daria picks it up)

Daria: Hmm. I see three pair of shoes your size. So my guess would be that rather than buying Christmas presents for mom and dad you decided to continue your attempts at becoming the Imelda Marcos of the 90's.

Quinn: (crying) I took the dress back like you said I should, and I was going to buy presents for mom and dad. But then I ran into Sandi and Tiffany and went shopping with them instead, and I accidentally bought things for myself. But Cashman's won't let me return stuff twice, so now I got no presents and no money. And now my Christmas is ruined and mom and dad will hate me. Baaauuuuuuaaaah!

(And angel and a devil Daria appear)

Devil Daria: Isn't that sweet. No way her cuteness will save her from this.

Angel Daria: Yeah. Mom and dad won't forgive her this time.

Devil Daria: Now would be a good time to talk to your parents about sending her to a boarding school. The one with the barb wire.

Angel Daria: I say disown her. Throw her out into the snow and let her freeze to death.

Devil Daria: Good idea... Hey! How come you agree with me?

Angel Daria: (smirk) Who said I were?

(Angel and devil Daria disappear)

Daria: (sigh) You can stop crying. I'll lend you some money.

Quinn: (shocked) You'll what?

Daria: (beat) Lend you some money.

Quinn: Oh Daria. (hugs Daria)

Daria: Aaaaaaaah!!

(The mall. Daria and Quinn walk trough the entrance. Quinn is in her non stop talking mode. Daria is looking ready to kill someone)

Quinn: ... and while I appreciate you helping me out, I don't see why you had to come with me. Not that I mind, except that someone might see me with you.

Daria: In this crowd who'll notice? Besides given your recent history I think it'll be safer if I wait to lend you the money until we're standing at the cash register.

Quinn: I'm so grateful. I never thought you would help me out. Considering how you've been mean to me all these years for no reason at all.

Daria: Wait a minute...

Quinn: Come to think of it, this is just like that movie "Beauty and the Beast" except for you being a brain.

Daria: (puts her hands to her ears) Gaaaaa.

Quinn: So now that we're friends and all, if there's anything I can do for you, like, give you a make-over, just say so... Oh look over there. Its Santa Claus.

(Quinn points to the other end of the mall where the children are lined up to see Santa Claus. An Elf is assisting him)

Daria: Don't you think we get enough of that at home?

Quinn: Maybe. Except our dad hasn't got Jane to help him around.

Daria: Excuse me?

(The "Come Visit Santa Claus" display. Jane, dressed as an Elf, is helping Tad Gupty into Santa's lap)

Santa: Hi little fella. What can I do for you?

Tad: I want Daria to be my babysitter again. Last time it was her sister Quinn and she made me shorten her pants for her.

Santa: No I mean, what do you want for Christmas?

Tad: (counts on his fingers) World peace, a stop to testing makeup on animals, the Zombie Slayer 2000, and the original version of the "Little Red Riding Hood".

Jane: You mean the one without the hunter, and where the wolf rips her to pieces before eating her?

Tad: Thats the one.

Santa: Just get me a new kid Jeanne.

Jane: Right away Mr. Santa.

(Jane takes Tad down and puts Tricia up instead)

Tricia: And I want my parents to remove the channel blocker so I can watch the fights of the World Wrestling Federation.

(Jane smirk. Daria walks over to her)

Daria: Well, well, well. Just when I thought I knew everything there is to know about you.

Jane: Eeep! Daria, what're you doing here?

Daria: Nice attempt at deflection Jane. To bad it didn't work.

Jane: (beat) Remember that Christmas present you gave me three weeks ago. Well it got me thinking. And I thought that maybe me and Trent shouldn't have a quiet Christmas like we're used to. That maybe we should also have a tree and a turkey and presents. But that stuff costs money and Trent isn't making as much playing Brew pubs as he hoped he would...

Daria: Excuse me. Are you saying its my fault you took a job as an Elf?

Jane: Yes.

Santa: Jeanne, I need a new kid here.

Jane: Just a sec.

Daria: Jeanne?

Jane: Santa here got a problem with names and faces, not to mention alcohol. I think he's related to the manager or something.

(Jane takes Tricia down and puts her back up)

Santa: And what do you want little one?

Tricia: Wrestling!

Daria: So thats why you've been so busy. Why didn't you just tell me you've become an Elf.

Jane: Would you?

Daria: Good point. Wanna go get some pizza?

Jane: Love to. Except who will I find to fill in for me?

Daria: Leave that to me.

(Half an hour later. Quinn is dressed as an Elf. Jane is back to her normal clothes)

Quinn: (fumes) I hate you for this Daria. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Daria: In other words, things are back to normal.

Quinn: I can't believe you would do this to your own flesh and blood. Forcing me to work as an Elf.

Daria: I payed for your presents didn't I? You owe me. Technically that makes you my slave.

Santa: Jeanne, I could use a new kid here.

Quinn: (sigh) Coming.

(Daria and Jane leave)

Jane: Let me see if I get this. First you save your sisters Christmas, then you turn her into an Elf.

Daria: Remember what you said about me and Quinn becoming friends some day?

Jane: Yeah.

Daria: At this point in time she's easier to deal with when she's mad at me.

THE END