Parenting, Smarenting III
By Thomas

Authors note: In "Psycho Therapy" we see Daria talk about her family's state of mind, or lack thereof. But assuming thats not all she did. What else did she and the shrink talk about.

(At the retreat. Daria is in a session with the psychiatrist)

Psychiatrist: Daria, there is something that has me confused. You appear to be a very sane young woman.

Daria: Are you sure insults are the right way to go in my case?

Psychiatrist: Um... What I mean is. Why do you behave the way you do? In your questionnaire you were asked "Do you like trees". And you answered "Is that before or after I set them on fire".

Daria: (sigh) Look. I often feel that the world around me is insane. Maybe this kind of behavior is my way of letting of steam. I would never actually hurt another human being. Not even my sister... Not physically anyway... A least not beyond what I'm supposed to as the elder sister.

Psychiatrist: When did you first get the idea that the world around you was insane?

Daria: That must have been when our dog died. I was winter and we had gotten a lot of snow...

(Flashback. The Morgendorffer backyard in Highland. Jake and Daria, age 9, are walking around in the snow)

Jake: Dammit, where is that doghouse? It can't be that hard to find. I knew where it was yesterday.

Daria: Yesterday there was no snow covering it. Dad, I'm scared. What if Pepper has frozen to death?

Jake: Don't worry Daria. Pepper is much to smart to freeze to death.

(Jake steps on something. He sticks his hand into the snow and pulls a young beagle up by the tail. Its frozen stiff.

Daria: AAAAAAAH!

Jake: Um... Kiddo. I'm sure its not as bad as it looks. Maybe after we unfreeze it...

(The tail breaks of. Pepper falls back into the snow. Jake is left holding the tail)

(Daria faints)

Psychiatrist: I guess, I can see how that must have been a traumatic experience for you. But to say the world is insane...

Daria: I'm not finished. The frozen dog was just the beginning. The insanity didn't set in until afterwards.

(Flashback. Morgendorffer kitchen in Highland. Helen, Jake and Daria are sitting at the table. Daria is holding Peppers tail in her hands)

Helen: Now we're all sorry about what has happened. Even the certain "someone" (looks at Jake) who was supposed to let the dog into the house.

Jake: But hon. How was I supposed to know there would be so much snow?

(Helen looks angry at Jake)

Jake: Yes hon.

Helen: Now I don't want a repeat of what happened earlier. One fainted child is bad enough. So I want you to agree not to tell Quinn about this.

Jake: But what are we going to tell her?

Helen: She is only 7. We'll give her that bubble gum machine she wants so badly, and hope it'll make her forget about Pepper. If not we'll think of something else to tell her.

Daria: Then what do I get? Can I have a guillotine?

Helen: (sigh) No, but we'll give you a brand new microscope.

Jake: What do you say kiddo.

Daria: Deal. But I want to keep Pepper's tail.

Helen: Daria you can't keep the tail. It will start to smell bad. (pause) Tell you what. You get to keep it for a couple of days. But it stays in the fridge.

(At dinner. Helen, Jake, Daria and Quinn are seated around the table. They're having lasagne)

Quinn: Thanks for the bubble gum machine. You're the best parent ever.

Jake: Thanks kiddo.

Quinn: But Daria won't be getting any gum.

Daria: Thats what you think. I have the spare key.

Quinn: Can I give gum to Pepper? Where is Pepper by the way?

(Uncomfortable silence. Then Helen and Jake talk at the same time)

Helen: He ran away.

Jake: We sold him.

Helen: I mean we sold him because he ran away.

Jake: Or was it the other way around?

Quinn: (scared) He ran away because you sold him?

Daria: No actually we ate him for dinner. This is Pepper lasagne.

Helen: Daria!

Daria: Look in the fridge if you don't believe me. The top shelf.

(Quinn runs over and opens the fridge. A moment later she faints)

THE END